"Am I the Problem or the Victim? My Ex's Unrestricted Cruelty Leaves Me Questioning - Lalala Letmeexplain - OK! Magazine"

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.

With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.

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I’m not sure whether I’ve been emotionally abused or if I’m the problem. I recently broke up with my ex of three years because he has no limit on how nasty he can get and has an anger problem, punches through doors, smashes up furniture (none of mine as he had his own house and things). I’ve also seen him do it towards his family, who are supposedly the only other people he cared about. They all acknowledge it but it seems they’ve learnt to live with him being like that.

We’ve had so many incidents. He repeatedly called me a dirty disgusting sl*t and weirdo with daddy issues due to the number of people I’ve slept with. He would always berate me viciously and then apologise and take back his words the next day. There was one incident where he was hurling nasty words at me, he was standing over me and whatever I did or said he wouldn’t stop, I was so exasperated that I slapped him on the chest, I know it wasn’t right but I exploded. Since then, if I ever point out his aggression he says “Don’t forget, you’re the one who hit me”.

During our last fight before we completely broke up two weeks ago, he told me he was at peace with us finishing because I have deep rooted issues, I can never be in the wrong, and I never forgive anyone, he said my issues stem from having an emotionally abusive dad. He said he forgave me for hitting him but I can’t forgive him back. He’s out of my life now but I’m left so confused about whether I have some deep rooted issues and that maybe it was my issues that killed our relationship. I feel like I’m having an identity crisis because I feel like I genuinely live my life acknowledging my flaws, treating people with respect and giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Well done for exiting that relationship. You should be so proud of yourself for taking the steps to firmly end it. It isn’t easy to do when you’ve been with someone who’s spent the past three years making you feel confused about who you are. From what you’ve said, you’ve been emotionally abused throughout this relationship. In your longer letter you gave several examples of the things he’s subjected you to. He has been cruel, controlling, manipulative and scary with his actions and words.

I’ve never encountered a victim of emotional abuse who hasn’t questioned whether they are to blame, I’ve never met a victim of emotional abuse who hasn’t felt that they might in fact be the abuser, and I’ve never met a perpetrator of emotional abuse who doesn’t think that their victim is equally responsible. Ensuring that victims feel that they are the problem is a central component of emotional abuse. It is intentional. The abuser will do everything they can to ensure that it feels like you’re the problem, that you provoke their harmful words, that you have something wrong with you, that you cause them to behave that way and that if you would only acknowledge that you’re the problem then it would all change.

Criticising you for not forgiving him for being abusive is audacious. We’re under no obligation to forgive abusive behaviour. His behaviour wasn’t just a one off, it was a repeated pattern of behaviour that relented throughout your time together. The fact that he was also volatile around his family is just further evidence that he was the problem, not you. Even if the rest of the relationship was perfect, calling your partner a disgusting sl*t weirdo with daddy issues is extraordinarily bizarre. That is absolutely unacceptable behaviour and it says everything about his views on women as a whole and about how he views you. It's so nasty and disrespectful and it gives us a clue about his misogyny and insecurities. The fact that he was always remorseful the day after raining down abuse on you doesn’t mean he didn’t mean what he said, the cycle of horrible then remorseful and loving is another intentional pattern, it makes you stay longer.

It sounds like one of the issues that you may have that stems from having an abusive Dad, is the fact that you’ve been attracted to a man who treats you similarly. It is very common for those of us with wounds from childhood abuse to gravitate towards love that feels familiar to the way we experienced love from our parents. You would really benefit from therapy to help you to process this and help you heal from this man, and from your dad, but his issues killed the relationship, not yours.

In terms of you slapping his chest when he was hurling abuse at you, we all know you shouldn’t have hit him - not least because it played into his hands and gave him a sense of having one up on you. We can’t go around hitting people and it’s never acceptable, but in the scheme of things a slap on the body whilst a person is raging violently in your face following years of abuse isn’t the worst thing in the world (and yes, I’d say this for any gender - though of course it is important to consider the physical size of both parties) and it wouldn’t be classed as domestic abuse in isolation. Mutual abuse is extraordinarily rare, in domestic abuse relationships there is one person who inherently holds power, the other person could hit back or do abusive things but that doesn’t change the power dynamic. So, hitting him was wrong, but it doesn’t mean that it cancels out everything he’s done and nor does it make you an equally abusive partner.

The identity crisis you’re having is very common and normal when leaving an abusive relationship. It's part of the healing process. I’d urge you to contact Women’s Aid, Refuge or a local abuse support service to request some specialised support so you can learn to heal and trust yourself again.