"I'm Overwhelmed by My Teenage Daughter" - Lalala Letmeexplain - OK! Magazine

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...

Dear Lala,

I’m really struggling with my teenage daughter and I don’t know what else to do. My partner and I are both calm people who try to avoid shouting, but she pushes us to the absolute edge. When she’s dysregulated, she’ll scream at me even while I’m holding the baby demanding I “TALK TO HER NOW.” It’s overwhelming and frightening, and it’s getting harder to stay calm. My partner tries to help but is limited, as he’s not her dad.

She refuses to follow even the simplest instructions unless I take away her phone. Her room is a mess, she drags her heels when we have appointments, makes me late for everything, and doesn’t seem to care. She shows no empathy, even when I’m crying, and insists she’s always the victim. There’s not a single part of parenting her I’m enjoying right now. Even trying to do something nice, like taking her shopping for her birthday, turns into a nightmare - she was rude, demanding, and caused a scene.

I’ve tried everything: counselling, social inclusion officers, the youth justice team, even taking her to the police for support when she’s been screaming and distracting me while I’m driving. I’ve contacted her school for help but I keep being told she doesn’t meet the threshold for any formal intervention. She refuses to attend youth clubs or meet new people. She has friends she talks to online but rarely goes out.

She’s causing a huge strain on our family. Her behaviour affects the baby and is creating tension between me and my partner. I’ve offered her one-to-one time, support, structure - nothing works. I’ve even tried giving her natural supplements for suspected ADHD, but she refuses to take them.

She’s taller than me now and adult-sized. I’ve been so close to calling the police when she’s screaming in my face or upsetting the baby, but I’m terrified of the consequences. She lies frequently, and I fear she might falsely accuse me of being physically abusive. I also worry what police or social services involvement could mean for my younger son. I’m anxious by nature and feel completely out of my depth. I have no family or close friends nearby. I don’t know where to turn anymore. What can I do? What are my options when everything I’ve tried has failed?

Lala Says,

I really empathise with you. Challenging behaviour from teens is common, but when it reaches the point where you’re at your wits end it can feel impossible to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Battling with your own child is one of the hardest parts of parenting. It sounds like you’re doing your best and that you have tried lots of options. I would be curious to know how you managed the huge shift in her home life. She’s gone from it being just you and her to having a step-parent and now a new sibling. That is a lot of change and emotional upheaval. The things you’ve described, like being emotionally dysregulated, and her demanding your attention immediately suggest that she may feel panicky about rejection and abandonment. Her shouting may be less about defiance and more about a desperate, chaotic attempt to feel heard or seen. She doesn’t yet have the emotional language to express herself, so she acts out for your attention.

You walking away in those moments might feel like rejection to her even though from your side it’s about staying calm and protecting the baby. Her heightened state is pushing her to demand attention, and the presence of the baby may trigger deeper feelings of being replaced or less important, especially because she is pushing you to feel like you need to protect the baby from her. To her, this probably confirms the fear that the baby is your priority now.

She is hurting, and struggling. From her side, it may feel like everything she does is wrong. You’ve described a situation where most of your interactions with her are now volatile, and that you're struggling to enjoy any part of parenting her. While that’s totally valid and understandable, she might interpret it as you not loving her or wanting her around. Her refusal to clean her room or engage in anything you suggest is likely an act of control. Being a teenager is incredibly hard, and feelings of self-worth, identity and autonomy can get tangled up. Sometimes teens try to take back power in ways that seem lazy, rude, or oppositional but underneath, they may be trying to manage the parts of their life they can still control.

Those behaviours can also be symptomatic of ADHD: rejection sensitivity, emotional outbursts, lack of impulse control, and lying are all common. I would recommend pushing your GP and her school to make a CAMHS referral for a full assessment. She may also suffer from PMDD or other mood-related conditions. Or her behaviour could solely be a response to emotional instability at home. Either way, you need a mental health professional involved to help figure this out.

In the meantime, I strongly recommend reading How NOT to Murder Your ADHD Kid: Instead Learn How to Be Your Child's Own ADHD Coach by Sarah Templeton. It offers compassionate, practical tools for managing difficult behaviours and building emotional connection, it really changed my approach to parenting. You can also contact Family Lives, who offer a confidential helpline (0808 800 2222) and excellent online resources for parenting teenagers.

Unless someone is in danger, I would avoid calling the police. You can instead contact your local children’s services team and ask about Early Help or Family Support services. Threatening or involving the police or social services even out of desperation may only reinforce her sense that she isn’t safe or wanted at home. Even if you haven’t followed through, she will feel the threat. That could lead to more lying or defiance driven by fear and shame, and could actually escalate the behaviour you’re hoping to resolve. Try to stay calm, see things through her eyes, and get proper support to help you manage the chaos. She is not a lost cause.