"Concern Grows Over My Dad's Actions Around My Baby Boy" - OK! Magazine

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...

Dear Lala,

My dad takes my 21 month old son swimming, and when he comes back my son is always saying “penis” or “grandpa penis”. After the first time they came back from swimming my dad said “We’ve learnt a new word today” (being penis, fyi it’s not a new word, we have discussed body parts and safety before and continuously in what I feel is an age appropriate way). He explained that he showers him in the communal shower in the men’s changing area, where I suppose men including grandpa have their junk out.

My mother instincts are sounding the alarm and I’m not comfortable at all with this. Why is he coming back talking about penis’s every time he swims with him, but he doesn’t when he goes with his dad? My dad is DEFENSIVE always and gets his back up when I set boundaries with my child and his behaviour. He was the best dad to me, I adored him, he was present, playful, he adored kids. I've really tried to wrack my brain for any repressed trauma around sex/ body parts. I think my parents didn’t have the healthiest boundaries with us. I have a traumatic memory of them being sexually intimate when I was sleeping in the bed with them. And dad would be fine being nude in the house, having baths with us into childhood and he usually found it funny and chose to embarrass me when I had questions or was uncomfortable around something to do with sexuality.

My dad has always loved children, and has worked with children throughout his career but I feel he has never been fully respectful of mothers and has a lot of judgement and negative assumptions on them. He has a lot of ego, and believes what he thinks/ knows is best when it comes to other people’s kids too. I’ve grown up seeing him lose relationships due to overstepping with a mother regarding the wellbeing of her child. I don’t know if my gut feeling is a true alarm sounding because I need to protect my child, or if it’s a trauma response. I don’t want to think the worst of my dad, it’s horrible to think of. But also, I will die before I turn away from something because I didn’t want to see it.

Lala Says,

When your mother's instincts are sounding the alarm, listen to them, take them seriously and respond accordingly, every time, no evidence needed. Your gut feeling, your internal sensors going off, that is more than enough to know that you need to protect your child. You have handled this well by challenging him and by taking the stance highlighted in your last sentence. You need to set clear boundaries regardless of what dad says. His defensiveness could indicate shame, guilt or maybe just an unwillingness to be accountable, and it makes it hard for you to fully trust him.

Two things can be true at the same time, someone can be a loving and wonderful parent to their own children whilst presenting a risk to other people’s children, so not having been directly abused by him doesn’t mean anything. Some of the behaviours you described like having sex whilst you were in the bed, sharing baths with you and being nude despite your discomfort, having a big ego, working with kids, not respecting mother’s boundaries for their own children, being defensive and getting his back-up when you discuss are all red flags when put together. Especially within the current context where there is a mismatch between his stated version of events and your son’s repeated focus on penises after swimming. Even if none of this is predatory, it shows a dynamic where he is the one who decides what is OK rather than respecting boundaries. That is dangerous territory for safeguarding.

It is healthy and normal for children to learn the names for their body parts and there is nothing inherently wrong with children seeing adults nude in changing rooms, but normal doesn’t mean ‘right for my child’ or that anyone can subject your child to their version of normal. You are not obliged to accept any situation where your child is exposed to an adult repeatedly talking about genitals. This is difficult because you’re close to your dad and love him but it is important to limit unsupervised contact. Swimming needs to stop. Dad shouldn’t be changing your son or bathing him at home or anywhere else. No sleeping in beds together. No opportunities at all for nudity or body contact. Record your concerns and write down any new ones you have, you may need it in future. Teach your son rules for body autonomy in an ongoing way, keep up conversations about it, let him know that nobody should ever ask to see or touch his private parts or ask him to see or touch theirs.

This doesn’t mean that you have to end the relationship with your father if you don’t want to. You don’t have to prove that something happened to take action, you don't need to accuse him or come to a conclusion, but you can still set very clear boundaries. You can explain that your rules apply to everyone, not just him. Changing, bathing, swimming etc will only be done by you and your husband. I would really recommend that you listen to this old podcast of mine about child sexual exploitation with a police officer. He explains the bubble rule about making sure your children know who is allowed to touch them and in what context.

If he can’t respect your rules and boundaries without getting angry or sulking then that’s his issue. Your duty isn’t to give him the benefit of the doubt, it’s to give your son the power and protection of your vigilance. It’s a devastating situation but absolutely follow your instincts with this one please.