Understanding 'the Ick' in Relationships: Overcoming It with These Strategies

Tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, Travis Kelce, belted out "Viva Las Vegas" following his team's Super Bowl LVIII victory. The camera subsequently switched to his celebrity girlfriend, Taylor Swift, whose expression seemed less than impressed.

A user on X, previously known as Twitter, commented on this observation, stating that viewers were witnessing someone develop "the ick" in real-time.

"The ick" has come to denote moments when individuals start to doubt their physical attraction to their partners. Experts argue that this is a normal occurrence in the early stages of any relationship as nobody is capable of endlessly idealising their partners.

Florida-based psychologist, Justin Puder, stated that it's implausible to remain attracted to every single aspect of one's partner. Puder suggested that the belief in the existence of a flawless partner, devoid of any characteristics that might generate the ick, is unrealistic and leads people on a fruitless quest for a perfect non-human.

Although experiencing the ick is universal, it's crucial to focus on its origin and assess whether it implies a deeper issue within the relationship. Patrice Le Goy, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) from California, commented that the ick could stem from a minor issue particular to you or a larger problem, such as the way your partner behaves towards you and others around them.

The discussion then shifts to the interpretation of the ick and ways to ascertain if the cause of the ick could potentially hamper a healthy relationship.

On social platforms, people discuss various reasons for experiencing the ick, some trivial - like disliking the way a partner jumped into a pool or ate pasta. These videos might elicit laughter or familiarity, but it's crucial to understand that telling a partner you have the ick because of their habits could be harmful.

Le Goy emphasised on treating these feelings seriously and remembering that they involve real people. While social media influences us to mock such stories and go back to reality, maintaining this attitude in real life can be damaging.

Not all causes of the ick are trivial, some are quite substantial, like a partner constantly talking over you or patronising you.

Puder suggested trying to understand which area of your attraction is being affected by the ick. He commented on the variable and evolving nature of attraction, inclusive of creativity, intellect, emotion and sexuality.

Puder also advised on determining how the ick influences your attraction and assessing if it could disrupt dialogue, intimacy or other relationship parameters. Documenting thoughts and feelings could be beneficial.

Next, it's worthwhile evaluating if the subject of the ick is in control of, or should amend, the behaviour causing the ick.

If the ick is induced by something inconsequential that doesn't affect health or happiness, and doesn't require any changes on the part of the partner, then Puder opines the aggrieved party must deliberate whether they want to continue the relationship despite the ick.

For instance, if you developed the ick due to your partner's penchant for being the centre of attention at gatherings, Puder advises accepting it as a part of their personality and refraining from requests for changes.

If the ick arises due to a problematic behaviour, such as persistent interruptions, Puder recommends a discussion. Le Goy added that if the individual reacts dismissively to your concerns, then it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

It’s also worth noting that if you notice yourself getting the ick with everyone you meet, that could be a sign that you’re not in a good head space to date right now. “Sometimes you might not be ready to be in a relationship, so you’re going to find something wrong with everyone, and that’s okay,” Le Goy said.

It’s natural to want to talk to your friends about your dating life, and sometimes it can be helpful and productive.

But if you’re in a new relationship and you’re experiencing the ick, it can be good to process how you feel about it internally first. “I need to know how I feel about it before someone else can tell me how they feel about it,” Le Goy said. This may require some introspective work. “When I talk to my clients about this, [we talk about] going inward and asking, ‘Why is this bothering me? Is this fundamentally unacceptable to me?’”

By figuring out how you feel, you can avoid a situation in which your friends’ opinions are mixed up with yours, which could be confusing because what one person deems acceptable or even attractive in a partner might not translate to how their friends and family feel. “Dating isn’t a uniform process for anybody,” Puder said.

On the flip side, if a friend notices something off about your relationship and speaks to you about that, you should listen, as oftentimes our friends might catch things we don’t, Le Goy said.

“When you have people who really care about you, with no ulterior motive, and they’re like, ‘I don’t like the way [your partner] said that to you,’ you don’t have to be oblivious to [their thoughts],” Le Goy said. In these instances, if you sense a friend is trying to look out for you, it may be beneficial to consider what they’ve said—even if you’re still doing the work of figuring out how you feel.

When and if you decide to tell your friends about an ick, try to keep the conversation respectful. “[Ask yourself], ‘What if this person becomes important in your life? Are you going to want to have secret inside jokes about them [with your friends]?’” Le Goy said.

Though the online conversation around the ick is sometimes funny, it’s important to check your motivations before engaging in conversations about the ick, especially when you’re speaking about people you care about, she added.

As for Swift and Kelce, experts say it’s inaccurate to assume she got the ick from his less-than-melodious performance. “Where it feels unfair is when people are projecting what they think someone else should feel in a relationship,” said Puder; when instead, they mean “for me, that wouldn’t be something I’m attracted to.”