Effective Friendship Strategies for Children with ADHD

Dominating discussions, showing a lack of interest in others, sharing cringe-worthy jokes and having trouble with social situations are some problems that many kids and teenagers with ADHD face. They often become sources of embarrassment and cause these young individuals to question their social abilities. This can lead to a retreat into the digital world and online friendships.

Why do ADHD kids have problems making friends? Friendship requires various cognitive skills, collectively referred to as executive function skills. In children with ADHD, these skills are often underdeveloped or delayed. This deficit makes it difficult for them to adapt to social settings as readily as their peers.

Social executive function skills, when impaired, can represent a learning challenge. This prevents children with ADHD from naturally grasping social cues from an early age. It is important to note that this is different from struggles caused by social anxiety or other disorders.

Improvement in social skills begin when we comprehend the foundational abilities that cause most of the problems - internal dialogue, cognitive flexibility, perspective-taking and context comprehension. There are strategies that effectively encourage and support the development of these abilities in children with ADHD.

Even when they show a keen interest in being socially engaged, children and teens with ADHD usually have a hard time with these essential social skills:

Children with ADHD often have difficulties with these skills as they find it hard to understand their internal dialogue, referred to as their "Brain Coach." ADHD symptoms like impulsivity and inattention can also affect social interactions. For instance, impulsivity can lead to interruptions, and inattention can cause them to seem disinterested or aloof.

Lagging social executive function skill deficits become noticeable by their peers around age 7. Early signs include the following:

As kids grow older and social expectations become more demanding, new struggles may appear. These too are linked to weak social executive function skills. The signs that a teenager may be struggling socially can include the following:

Parents have a pivotal role in helping their children improve their social executive function skills. Here's how to start:

1. Share your own internal dialogue as an example for perspective-taking. It will help your child learn about others' thoughts. It will also allow them to develop their inner dialogue, promoting their growth in social settings.

2. Educate your child about the significance of "fake-outs". A fake-out is showing interest in what others are saying even when the subject doesn't personally appeal to you. Encourage them to understand that accepting other peoples' interests is integral to the development and maintenance of friendships.

3. Celebrate your child's progress. Acknowledge and commend them when they show the courage to cope, the flexibility to adapt, and the grit to try something new.

4. Teach your child to interpret context. The effects of our words and actions differ depending on the situation. - helping your child understand this will enable them to adapt their behavior according to the context.

To illustrate the concept of context, I use a tool called the "Cringe to Clutch o’Meter". This tool helps children understand that people react differently depending on the situation. It assists them in assessing their actions, gauging reactions, and adapting accordingly.

5. Practice “reading the field” together. Situational awareness requires putting pieces of information together to make sense of what’s going on, no matter if we’re indoors or outdoors. (That’s why I use “reading the field” instead of “reading the room.”) Situational awareness is as much about knowing what to do at a birthday party as it is about safety awareness while walking through a busy parking lot. Everyday life offers plenty of opportunities to work on these skills in varied contexts.

So the next time you’re at the shopping center parking lot with your child, help them “read the field.” Here’s what that may sound like:

6. Extracurriculars are essential. Whether sports, music, dance, or another interest, extracurriculars give your child a chance to spend time with their similar-age peers.  Require them to participate in an after-school activity; they likely will not take the leap on their own.

7. Help your child remember past social successes. ADHD minds struggle with episodic memory, or recalling the emotions associated with past experiences. That means your child may struggle to recall social experiences they found enjoyable. (It’s why they may remember last year’s summer camp as “boring” even though they raved about it at the time.) Without the aid of memory, your child may be reluctant to engage in similar social opportunities as they arise. Tap into your child’s episodic memory by asking questions about their past social experiences, scrolling through photos, and reminding them of all the ways they had fun and excelled.

8. Don’t measure your child’s social competency by how they interact with family. Children will often act differently at home than they do in school or with peers. Many children often do not feel the need to use “good social skills” with immediate family.  They feel safest with family, and they know there are no social ramifications if they use poor social skills with Mom, Dad, or siblings.

As you help build your child’s social skills, here are some important reminders:

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Raising Socially Smart Tweens & Teens”with Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP, which was broadcast live on March 2, 2022.

Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP is the Founder and Director of ADHD Dude.  He creates videos for parents and kids at the ADHD Dude YouTube channel, provides Parent Training and social programs for boys.  

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