Theatrical insults and offenses during pre-Ashes period are just a part of the performance | Cricket | The Guardian

As England’s men and women prepare to take on Australia, nothing builds the anticipation like some well-aimed barbs

May creaks into June. The first block of the County Championship is in the can, the sun’s meek rays gather a little more strength and the damp English loam begins to sweat. So too the collective palms of the English cricket fan. A conjoined pulse quickens as thoughts, daydreams, hopes and fears become inordinately focused on that first ball at Edgbaston in three weeks’ time. That’s for the men. England’s women get under way at Trent Bridge seven days later – a first five-day Test on home soil. Two Ashes ding-dongs running side-by side. Twice the action and for now, double the chatter.

We’ve had Ollie Robinson talk about handing Pat Cummins’s boys a “good hiding” and Lauren Winfield-Hill declare that Meg Lanning’s Australian side – one of the greatest teams in modern sport – have “scars too”, adding for good measure that: “They can wobble, they can be fractured.” The response from Australian quarters has been disconcertingly muted. Even Glenn McGrath was seen to heavily caveat his customary 5-0 pre-series prediction this time around.

Emboldened by the success of the past year, Ben Stokes’s team have been looser lipped than an England side might normally be before an Ashes series. In a recent Sky Sports interview with Nasser Hussain, Stokes chuckled away when reminded of Robinson’s remarks. Nasser though could barely hide his twitchiness, admitting that the England side of his era – mental toughness and batting lineup at times as fragile as a glass dandelion – wouldn’t have dared to have a pop at the domineering Aussies – the very thought had Hussain shifting in his seat.

In fairness, both sides have given as good as they’ve got over the years. “We have come to beard the kangaroo in his den and try to recover those Ashes,” England’s Ivo Bligh declared in 1882: 141 years of cricketing jibes have been traded ever since. Early exchanges were steeped in the struggle between empire and colony but as the series have stacked up through the decades, the accompanying pre-series pronouncements have become a fabric of Ashes folklore.

“This is war, same as usual,” Mathew Engel wrote the day after the Australians’ plane had landed on English Tarmac in May 1985. Allan Border had barely peeled off his flight socks and David Boon’s walrus moustache was likely still lank with Castlemaine XXXX when the then Guardian’s cricket correspondent mentioned the three letter “w word”.

The late Martin Amis would no doubt have rolled his eyes and railed against the cliche of the Ashes “phoney war” and the perpetual volleys served up every couple of years. In truth, the comment churn can often be more likely to induce a sneer rather than raise a smirk, but in a way to react wearily is to miss the point and, well, the fun. The slurs and the slights are all part of the show – they heighten the rush of Ashes nostalgia and anticipation.

Pick a series at random and you can enjoy the barbs: from Jeff Thomson declaring he loves the sight of haemoglobin spilt on the popping crease before the 1975 bout to Nathan Lyon announcing he was relishing the prospect of “ending careers” before 2017.

No one is above getting stuck in – when the seemingly permanently good-natured Mark Wood is channelling his inner Kevin Keegan in declaring he would, “love to stick one up ’em” in the run up to an Ashes series opener, clearly anyone can get carried away with this thing.

Most players have got in on the act at some point and with the passage of time some pronouncements can be seen through either a ridiculous, prescient or even poignant lens. We should probably just enjoy it all while we can, not only because of the distant but ominous death knells of Test cricket but also, this year more than any other, because it is all going to be over in a flash.

The 2005 men’s Ashes series – the greatest in many minds – unspooled like warm honey from a spoon during that summer. The Twenty20 and one-day international matches in June serving to feed narratives and build tension as the whole tour kept the country rapt as it wound towards its finale and the fifth Test at the Oval in September.

This time round it will all be over by the end of July. The men’s and women’s contests are packed together – six Tests, three ODIs and three T20s in less than eight weeks. This will be the Ashes on warp speed – the speculation, selections, matches and analysis all bleeding into one big mulch. Less an unspooling and more a binge.

By the time August arrives it will be time for the Hundred to take centre stage in the prime months of the summer. You might well be riveted by the prospect of a representative of Welsh Fire throwing shade at London Spirit or a plucky Southern Braver declaring that “those Northern Superchargers have got no bottle” but, let’s face it, you probably won’t.

Time then to embrace the verbals that the Ashes inspire. The sheer longevity and ridiculousness of them. Go on, park that cynicism and relish Aussie goader-in-chief Stuart Broad’s latest wheeze why don’t you.

Broad, no stranger to stirring up some Ashes controversy, clearly loves the circus. In the past few weeks, Marmite’s freshly yeasted brand ambassador has already chalked off the 2021-22 series as “void” and talked up a “new” delivery he’s been working on especially for “Steve [Smith] and Marnus [Labuschagne]” that sounds remarkably similar to an outswinger. Less phoney and more baloney.

One man who would surely be loving Broad’s act is Shane Warne, a fan of a pre-series “new” delivery unveiling himself. Zooter anyone? This will be the first Ashes series since Warne’s death. There’s that poignancy.

So sit back and let the phoney war wash over you. Read the stuff, watch the videos, debate the issues, keep tongue firmly placed in cheek, embrace the noise and enjoy the ride. It’ll all be over sooner than you think.

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