Establishing Limits with Loved Ones: Navigating ADHD during Festive Seasons and Family Gatherings

During a family Christmas celebration, 11-year-old Noah*, who struggles with attention deficit disorder (ADHD), autism, and anxiety, was struggling to keep his emotions in check. When it was time for the children to receive their gifts, Noah's grandfather sent him to the back of the line as punishment for his conduct. Noah's mother, Ashley, couldn't help but recall previous instances where her son was treated poorly by family and decided it was time to set some boundaries.

This situation is sadly not unusual for families raising children with ADHD and other conditions. A surprising 89% of Instagram and Facebook users questioned by ADDitude revealed that they often feel their relatives do not understand their child's needs and are unjust in their treatment.

Family gatherings can become chaotic when no effort is made to understand or show interest in the needs of a child with ADHD. Rather than providing compassion and a supportive environment, family members may often make hurtful and judgmental comments. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is crucial to protecting the well-being of both the child and the parent.

Massachusetts-based clinical psychologist, Sharon Saline, Psy.D., advises having a conversation about these boundaries before family events. She even suggests putting it in an email for later reference and recommends following a particular format.

Prioritizing adult disagreements over child disagreements is essential, according to Saline.

After the Christmas incident, Ashley emailed her parents detailing the following points:

Setting boundaries isn’t intended as a punishment or to deliberately cause a rift. Ashley explained to her parents that the aim of these boundaries was to strengthen their relationship rather than push them away.

While you cannot control the actions, thoughts, or opinions of others, you can control your responses. Clinical psychologist, Suzanne Allen, Psy.D., suggests envisioning how you want to feel at family events. How do you want to see your child and yourself, regardless of others' comments or thoughts?

It's also useful to concentrate on your love for your child. Jenny King, a mother from Illinois with a son diagnosed with ADHD, is grateful for her understanding family. She emphasizes that their satisfaction with who her son is sets the precedent for everyone else.

Although you may not control your other family members, you can identify potential allies who can support you during stressful moments. Speaking with these individuals beforehand is recommended by Allen.

Don't hesitate to communicate what kind of support you might need. If your child is being loud and creating undesired attention, your ally could help by making a light-hearted comment that normalizes the child's behavior. Having someone else handle the situation momentarily can give you some time to attend to your child's needs and can often help diffuse any tension.

Whether it's providing comfort to your child in the form of a hug or a game, or simply offering you an encouraging word, having an ally can make a significant difference. As Saline explains, children who are displaying emotional dysregulation might not be able to articulate their feelings - they are in need of extra support.

Proactively planning your child's day can ensure their needs are met. King's strategy is to allow her son to take breaks when needed, thus reducing the pressure of expectations at gatherings. By using a pre-planned response, you can maintain calmness and navigate difficult situations more effectively.

Lastly, be realistic. Don't aim for an unattainable goal. Family members may not adhere to your set boundaries flawlessly. As Saline suggests, anticipate that sometimes things might get rough, but be prepared to handle them calmly and constructively.

Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, family members won’t respect your boundaries. While this is disappointing, keep in mind that you still have options to ensure your child and family are protected.

Don’t ignore a relative’s hurtful comments toward your child. “It leaves children really vulnerable if someone says something to them and their parent doesn’t intervene,” Allen says. “You can shift the power imbalance by speaking up.”

A helpful phrase to say to the adult in this moment is: “They’re a great kid; they’re just having a hard time.”

In private, you can explain to your child that the relative was wrong, and that you will be doing something about it. Allen suggests saying something like, “It seems like Uncle Bob was having a hard time, and he said things that are not true and not kind. I disagree with him, and I’m going to be speaking to him about that.”

If certain relatives continue to create a negative environment for your family, you may have to rethink how and if you show up.

Lack of cooperation from relatives, despite your best efforts, is an unfair burden to carry. Don’t beat yourself up if it isn’t going as expected. “Keep in mind that you can’t predict and plan for every scenario,” Allen says.

Ashley is learning this lesson. “You just have to learn from your experiences and continue to set boundaries,” she says. Key to this approach is believing you have the right to do so. “I’m learning to recognize that I’m important enough to have boundaries.”

Whether it’s taking a walk, stepping into the bathroom, texting a friend, or going out to coffee, Saline suggests being prepared with one self-care activity to keep you centered during or after a stressful get-together.

“The pressure to be ‘on’ means you could be in fight, flight, or freeze mode the entire time,” Saline says. “When you’re in that state, you’re so activated that you’re in your raw emotions. So, you want to have one thing that’s going to help you get through.”