"I Used to Get Ghosted by Him, Now We Work Together Every Day - It's So Awkward" - Lalala Letmeexplain - OK! Magazine

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for expert advice on love, sex and relationship dilemmas. With a following of over 200K on Instagram, Lala is the anonymous voice guiding women through all sorts of relationship hurdles. As an experienced sex, dating and relationship educator, she's encountered plenty of relationship drama and shares her insights on social media to her dedicated followers.

Each week, thousands turn to her for answers to their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her humorous, straightforward approach to love and relationships has made her the go-to guru for feel-good advice. To see what she has to say in this week's column, keep reading...

Dear Lala,

Last year I started speaking to someone on a dating app who ended up ghosting me twice (though we never actually met). We had been talking for a while, and realised we work in the same area (I’m technically in a more senior role, and I rotate between sites, so there was always a chance we’d end up in the same department). At the time it didn’t seem like an issue, and it gave us plenty to talk about.

We tried to arrange dates, but he’d cancel at the last minute, once while I was already getting ready. Then he suddenly stopped replying. I wasn’t too bothered at the time, as I was talking to other people, and then my dad died shortly after. About a month later he messaged apologising for being “hot and cold.” I told him it was rude and disrespectful; he apologised profusely and asked if we could start fresh. We agreed to meet, but the very next day I discovered he had blocked me and deleted me on the app.

A month later, I started working in the same department as him. The first encounter was horribly awkward, and ever since then we just make uncomfortable eye contact while I go out of my way to avoid him (sometimes even asking colleagues to speak to him instead). I find myself feeling angry whenever I see him, especially as everyone else thinks he’s such a great guy. In the past two years I’ve had several guys ghost me or end things badly, but at least I didn’t have to see them again. This is different, it’s a constant reminder of rejection, and recently I found out he’s seeing someone, which makes it sting more because clearly he is capable of a relationship.

I do remain professional (my colleagues confirm this), but it’s draining having to constantly manage my thoughts and emotions. Do you think I should try to talk to him directly for closure? His sister also works in the department and she’s lovely. We get on really well. Should I confide in her so she might have a quiet word, or is that overstepping since we never even met in person? I’ve been working alongside him for six months now, with another six months to go. Am I being overly sensitive, or is there a way to handle this better?

Lala says,

I truly feel your pain. Like so many people who have been dating in the past few years you have been subjected to repeated rejection, often by being ghosted, which is a deeply brutal way to be rejected. It leaves you feeling so confused and hurt, full of unanswered questions which we inevitably attempt to answer ourselves by questioning why we weren’t good enough for them. So, your nervous system was already braced for abandonment and when it happened again, even though it was only during the early talking stage, it cut extremely deep. You aren’t being overly sensitive at all, you’re being human.

He didn’t approach your interactions with respect. He had a flippant attitude to your conversations and that didn’t match your attitude which was hopeful, open, willing to explore. He discarded the conversation extremely rudely twice, including essentially standing you up before a date. Please remember that those behaviours are a reflection of him, not you. The fact that this happened around the time that you lost your dad will have compounded your feelings of loss and abandonment. It was terrible timing.

Having to constantly see him whilst still holding all of the questions about why he didn’t want you is painful. The rejection is in your face all the time and you can’t avoid being reminded of him. It makes sense that you’re searching for ways to find closure so that you can stop feeling like you want to shout ‘JUST TELL ME WHY YOU DID THIS’ every time you pass him at work. But I don’t think that you will find closure anywhere else but from within yourself. You have every right to tell him how much his ghosting affected you, you don’t have to stay silent when someone has acted in hurtful ways. However, I am not sure that talking to him will make things feel any better. From his perspective he probably feels like he didn’t owe you anything. You hadn’t built trust or established a connection yet. Morally, we should communicate with people and let them down kindly, but sometimes that feels really hard to do. He chose not to. If he found it hard to communicate the reasons back then, what’s to say he will be able to verbalise things with more clarity now?

Imagine how the conversation might go. What you really want is an acknowledgement and an apology, if you don’t get that and instead he responds with evasiveness or rudeness or makes you feel silly for still hanging on to this then you will have a whole new embarrassment battle to face at work and you will wish you never said anything at all. I also don’t think that talking to his sister will make you feel any better. Closure often isn’t something another person can hand to us, especially someone who has already shown they can’t meet us with honesty or care. In this case, the healthiest form of closure will be the one you create for yourself, recognising that his behaviour wasn’t about your worth, but about his own limitations, therapy will help immensely with this. He showed you, through his actions, that he isn’t capable of offering the kind of respect and consistency you deserve. That knowledge is your answer. The real power now lies in choosing not to let his presence unsettle you, but instead focusing on reclaiming your space, your confidence, and your peace of mind. Remind yourself that someone else’s inability to value you doesn’t make you any less valuable. None of this was about you, it was about him and he is probably being an emotionally unavailable weirdo in his new relationship too.