Expert Advice for Parents on How to Explain Divorce and Separation to Kids

Q: How should I explain our divorce to my ADHD children in a manner that prevents emotional turmoil?

Communicating a decision to divorce to your children presents a challenging task, even more so when dealing with signs of ADHD and emotional dysregulation. Here are several pointers for carrying out this difficult conversation in the most effective way possible.

To begin with, keep it short and to the point. Children with ADHD generally have trouble focusing during prolonged discussions. Aim for a conversation that lasts between five and ten minutes, excluding any queries they might bring up later. You could open the conversation as follows: "You might have noticed that Dad and I have been arguing quite a bit. We've concluded that we should get a divorce. We don't see eye to eye as we used to. After much contemplation, we're hopeful that our decision would benefit everyone in the long run."

When possible, iron out the specifics of your split before involving your children. All kids crave predictability and consistency, but these factors are particularly vital for those with ADHD. Provide your children with a structured plan for the following weeks and reassure them that much of their routines will remain unchanged. As much as you can, preserve the familiarities in their lives for their sake. Try stating them, "You'll be staying with Dad on Mondays and Tuesdays and will be with me on Wednesdays and Thursdays. We will alternate weekends. This arrangement will take effect once Dad has moved to his new house."

While some counselors advise parents to explicitly tell children that the divorce isn't their fault, in my practice, I haven't encountered kids who felt responsible for the split. Thus, I would advise against stating, “This isn’t your fault,” as it inadvertently suggests the notion. Yet, children displaying behavioral problems due to witnessing their parents' constant quarrels might question whether these disputes led to the split. Parents in such situations might want to clarify, “This isn't related to any single matter, and it's no one's fault that we're getting a divorce.”

Never hold one parent accountable for the divorce in front of the children. Every child should have the chance to love both of their parents. This becomes difficult if they feel coerced to favor one parent over the other.

Round off your conversation like this: "We both love you indefinitely and we always will. Feel comfortable asking us anything, now or whenever." After such a conversation, refrain from assigning any immediate activities. Give your kids the chance to unwind, digest the information, voice their queries, or indulge in diversionary activities. All these responses are completely normal. Permit them the liberty to spend time with you, among themselves, or by themselves, whichever they prefer.

If you notice elevated ADHD symptoms, anxiety, or depression in your children after this discussion, they might benefit from speaking to a counselor.

Samantha Rodman Whiten, Ph.D., is the author of How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce and 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage.

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