How ADHD Couples Can Maintain Sanity in the Holiday Season

Completing an entire dinner at home with my spouse Alaric is no small task. By the time I’m halfway through my mashed potatoes, he’s up fiddling with the spice rack or going through the bills we have to mail. As Alaric, a stage manager, was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) at the age of 13, I’ve now made peace with his kitchen departures and don’t take it personally anymore.

It was equally predictable when Alaric's father Fred, an accomplished mechanical engineer, began cleaning up midway through our Thanksgiving dinner because he also has ADHD. Availability of family amidst the holiday season can be particularly challenging for these restless individuals- “Being a person with ADHD is like having a hearing aid for all five senses,” comments Fred. “I perceive people conversing, the sound glasses and plates make. Concentrating on a single conversation in any large dinner poses an awful challenge for me”.

Emulating ADHD behavioral cues from his father, Alaric tends to bounce from one talk to another in family events. “It seems like I drift past the individual I’ve been chatting with, covertly listening to a conversation I find more interesting, while I immerse myself in it,” he admits.

Food, family, celebrations combined with the monotonous chores of holiday planning, such as shopping, can potentially tip my spouse over the edge.

“The stores broadcast familiar tunes and I lose track of my purpose and simply start enjoying the music,” shares Alaric. “It’s a bit unconventional that I have to pop a pill before shopping, but it assists me to stay focused on my original intention, and to compare prices so that I don’t wander aimlessly,” says Alaric. Fred, his father, doesn’t find holiday shopping any more enjoyable - “I detest the masses and the diversions they bring,” Fred confesses.

At festive gatherings, Fred and his wife Adrienne employ a two-pronged coping strategy – he dealing with his ADHD and she with her auditory impairment. “Our company’s Christmas party usually involves approximately thirty attendees; given my hearing aid, its impact on me is comparable,” explains Adrienne. Fred has mastered the art of focusing on Adrienne’s conversations, stepping in whenever she fails to catch a comment.

This collaborative approach also extends to holiday event planning, “I hand out tasks and make decisions,” shares Adrienne, “while Fred executes them”. Her ultimate strategy to empathize with her husband and aid him is to step into his shoes, “I make an extra effort to understand his thought process to anticipate his next move,” she tells, “he can only endure matters up to a certain limit”.

As we ready ourselves for our second Christmas together, Alaric and I are sharing holiday chores to prevent either of us from feeling swamped, and adopting the successful tactics of Fred and Adrienne to ensure that we have many peaceful (and serene!) festive celebrations in the future.