Effective Co-Parenting Strategies for Families with ADHD After Divorce

For parents of children with ADHD, the ultimate goal of a successful divorce is one in which both parties collaborate amicably. Ideally, both parents should adopt the same method for managing ADHD and maintain the same schedules and routines for the child.

Though, achieving this harmonious scenario can be difficult when co-parenting an ADHD child after a divorce.

ADHD children typically struggle with executive functioning. Divorce proceedings can exacerbate these struggles as the prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive functioning, is also dealing with constant changes within the family dynamic.

Disruptions in routine due to transitions between home, school, and another home can lead to possible parental conflict. Witnessing conflict within the family may cause behavioral regression, loss of previously acquired skills, increased defiance and dishonesty, and disputes as a main form of communication.

There is a possibility that one parent might overlook or inadequately manage a child’s ADHD. Different schedules and rule sets at each parent's home could potentially lead to academic issues, misplaced possessions and overall chaos in the child’s life. These factors could potentially aggravate the symptoms of ADHD.

A co-parenting plan can provide the necessary support and structure to help the child transition into a new routine.

1. Ensure similar schedules are followed in both homes to maintain constancy. For instance, post school, the child should have a snack, some free time, attend to homework and then watch TV. The bed time should be the same in both homes. Additionally, both homes should maintain the same rules and reward systems.

2. Think carefully about mid-week transitions. In a conventional divorce scenario, younger children should frequently interact with both parents. For example, if Parent A looks after the child on Mondays and Tuesdays and drops the child to school on Wednesdays, then Parent B should pick up the child on Wednesday afternoons and care for the child on Thursdays and Fridays. This arrangement alternates over the weekends. Once the child reaches middle school, a week-on, week-off schedule is recommended. However, in cases involving ADHD children, this mid-week transition could potentially induce anxiety and chaos. Therefore, it may be more advisable to keep the child in one home during the school week, allowing frequent access to the other parent through activities like dinners.

3. Develop rituals to facilitate transitions, particularly for younger children. For instance, both parents should have a consistent and comforting routine when picking up the child.

4. Utilize shared calendars. A visible calendar in the home denoting the days the child will spend at each parent's house could help them understand the structure of the week and reduce anxiety.

5. Decide whether your child’s medication should travel with them, or if each home should have a supply of medication. Ensuring that medication is always available is crucial.

6. Ensure open communication with doctors, teachers, and therapists, and always keep the co-parent updated on conversations and results. This is imperative for the child's welfare.

If divorce appears inevitable, it might be beneficial to consult with a mediator therapist rather than a mediator attorney, to formulate an exhaustive parenting plan that extends beyond custody arrangements.

When you’re working with attorneys, the custody schedule — including who gets which school holidays — is typically top of mind. But by addressing other aspects of the co-parenting relationship in the beginning, you can eliminate a decade of conflict.

When I work with parents in a divorce situation, we come up with a 30-page document. It includes what happens when we have long-term homework projects; when we introduce a significant other to our child; when we have extracurricular activities; and so on. Creating this parenting plan means diving into nearly everything, and it will be the blueprint for the upcoming years.

If you’re already divorced, you can still write a co-parenting plan now and have your co-parent work with you. This gives you both a roadmap to manage situations as they come up.

Merriam Sarcia Saunders, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and child custody recommending counselor within the family court system.

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