The Connection between ADHD and Emotional Withdrawal in Women

I often find myself shutting down in conversations with my spouse. He might make a harmless observation about daily chores, joke about my admiration for a film actor, or decline a romantic invitation due to fatigue, but I still disconnect. This is because I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and often experience emotional withdrawal due to a condition called rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). It gives me a distorted perception of situational dynamics, causing me to view innocent situations as personal criticism.

I often feel a mixture of guilt, anger, shame, and misery. To cope with these intense emotions, I withdraw within myself and emotionally shut myself off. I am aware that this is not a healthy way to deal with the situation, but it's often my only resort.

Emotional withdrawal is a common coping mechanism among females with ADHD. Difficulties in picking up social cues and often daydreaming can make them social outcasts in school. Disorganization and impulsivity also add to the feeling of being a social pariah and opening themselves up to potential bullying.

[Self-Test: Do You Have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?]

Sadly, girls with ADHD not only experience social exclusion but are prone to bullying. In the past, little was done to stop the bullying, and as a result, these girls learnt to conflate mistreatment with normal relationships. They often faced dismissal from their complaints or were faulted with, "If you acted like everyone else, this wouldn't happen to you." As a result, they learnt to blame themselves for their own ostracism and adopted emotional withdrawal as a coping mechanism.

Emotional withdrawal means suppressing emotions and preventing others from helping. This leads to the development of other unhealthy coping habits. Research demonstrates that teenage girls with ADHD face difficulties with social interactions, attentive and organizational skills and are more likely to experience psychological distress, impairment, and loss of control. Women with ADHD are also 2.5 times more likely to experience profound sadness compared to those without ADHD.

The conditions are quite bleak and are largely due to the need to suppress emotions to deal with the external environment. The fear of making a mistake, missing a social vibe, or overlooking an important deadline often results in the development of multiple psychiatric disorders as coping mechanisms.

[Free Download: ADHD and Intense Emotions]

We tend to distance ourselves from those we love the most because their words can hurt us the deepest. Some research suggests that the divorce rate among couples with one or more partners living with ADHD is twice as high as the general population. This may be due in part to issues related to ADHD such as inattentive behaviours, disputes over chores, and time-management difficulties. As one woman stated, "I’ve thought about leaving many times because I can’t take the criticism… He thinks he is helping me to be a better person” when he points out her ADD-related flaws, but she mainly ends up feeling “unloved.”

Are you currently receiving therapy? You should be. Women who suppress their feelings and struggle with inapt emotional responses end up in a cycle of negative outcomes.

A good cognitive behavioral therapist can help you come up with more coping mechanisms to help you deal with your feelings. You’ll learn to change your irrational thought patterns – in this case, the idea that offhand remarks or input from other people negate your self-worth – to more positive ones, and to cope when the negative thoughts arrive: to deal with them, not brood on them or stuff them.

There are many ways to find a good therapist. You can use ADDItude’s guidelines on what to look for in a good therapist or doctor, and whether you should see an ADHD coach or a therapist. Someone who offers CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) or DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy, a kind of CBT), along with a specialty in ADHD, is preferable. These professionals can help you learn to stop your emotional withdrawal and learn healthier, less dangerous coping mechanisms that can enhance your relationships, rather than sabotaging them.

Emotional withdrawal can hurt your relationships, destabilize your marriage, and, through unhealthy coping mechanisms, sabotage your life. But you can release yourself from its grasp. Emotional withdrawal is a behavior many women with ADHD have learned through a long life of rejection, fear, and bullying; it can take time, therapy, and help to get through it. It’s important to have a strong support network in place (including, if possible, an understanding spouse), and a good therapist.

But most of all, you need a strong commitment to change. Without that, you’ll be stuck in your old rut of withdrawal: and that doesn’t help anyone, least of all yourself.

[Slideshow: 10 Therapists Who Do More Harm Than Good]

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