We Got Engaged After Two Months: Feeling Rushed and Longing for My Past Life - Lalala Letmeexplain - OK! Magazine

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...

Dear Lala,

I met my husband at a wedding 2.5 years ago and we got engaged after 2 months. Everyone thought I was crazy but it felt right. He has kids, which was an adjustment, but I love them. He’s caring and treats me so well, but he makes fast decisions (business, money, moving) that stress me out and make me feel I rushed into marriage.

'I travel a lot for work, and I don’t miss him when I’m gone, I actually feel relieved. On a recent trip I met someone (nothing happened) but it made me realise how much I miss my old life. I love him, but I don’t know if I can stay. What should I do?'

Lala Says,

When you first meet someone and your worlds seem to align and your chemistry is off the charts and you experience that whirlwind rush of lust, limerence and what feels like love, it can seem completely natural to rush in. It feels like nothing could ever burst the bubble of happiness you’ve created together and that nothing could possibly go wrong. But the reason it’s not good to commit to anything long term too quickly is because you don’t give yourselves much time to fully know each other. Whilst you can feel deeply connected to the surface level you’ve got to know, rushing in means that you don’t get to experience them in their full form before deciding whether to settle down with them.

You miss out on seeing how they handle life, their attitude to stress, money, family, tension, friendship, and cultural or lifestyle differences. And whilst that doesn’t always mean that moving quickly to marriage is going to be a mistake, it does mean that you have less solid ground to work from. You’re now realising that his impulsivity triggers anxiety for you, and that you feel relief when you’re away. That is something to pay attention to, it’s your nervous system signalling something deeper. A marriage should feel like a healthy partnership, feeling relief when your husband is away is a bad sign. You should miss him, not dread his return.

Meeting someone else often acts like a mirror, reflecting back parts of yourself and your desires that you may have pushed aside. It’s rarely about the new person themselves, but about what they awaken in you, he made you feel something. It is worth exploring what that was. If you felt a spark of excitement, curiosity, or you were receiving attention you don’t normally get, it may have made you more aware of how absent those feelings are in your day-to-day life with your husband. It can also connect you to a version of your old self that you miss, reminding you of independence. If you were deeply fulfilled, meeting someone else wouldn’t have unsettled you in this way. The fact that it did suggests it tapped into doubts or dissatisfaction that were already there, validating that something about this relationship may not be aligned with the life you truly want.

Have you communicated your feelings to him? If not, how do you think he would respond? Communicating how you feel is an important part of this, that doesn’t mean telling your partner about the person you met, or announcing any intentions at this point. But it is important to share your concerns honestly, especially about the financial/decision-making stress. His reaction will tell you a lot. Would he be open to couple’s therapy? This will offer you both a space to unpack how you feel and to see if there are ways of creating change that might make you feel happier with the life you live. You don’t need to rush into making any decisions straight away.

Ultimately, love isn’t always enough. You can love him but not love the life that living with him brings. You can adore him but still not feel satisfied with the marriage. Loving someone isn’t enough to sustain a healthy partnership. At this stage, the most important thing is giving yourself space to reflect and be honest with yourself first, and then with him. Don’t pressure yourself to make a permanent decision right now. Instead, notice how you feel in this relationship. Do you feel safe, calm, and supported, or tense, anxious, and relieved when apart? If you can, open a dialogue with him about the patterns that are unsettling you, and see whether he’s willing to slow down, listen, and work through them together, therapy can definitely help. But if you find that your peace only comes in his absence when you’re away, it may be a sign this relationship isn’t the right fit for your long-term happiness. Either way, you owe it to yourself to choose the life that feels right. We get one short life, no extra shots. We have to make the choices that work best for us.