"Wir haben uns nach zwei Monaten verlobt - Ich fühlte mich in die Ehe gedrängt und vermisse mein altes Leben" - Lalala Letmeexplain - OK! Magazin

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...

Dear Lala,

I met my husband at a wedding 2.5 years ago and we got engaged after 2 months. Everyone thought I was crazy but it felt right. He has kids, which was an adjustment, but I love them. He’s caring and treats me so well, but he makes fast decisions (business, money, moving) that stress me out and make me feel I rushed into marriage.

'I travel a lot for work, and I don’t miss him when I’m gone, I actually feel relieved. On a recent trip I met someone (nothing happened) but it made me realise how much I miss my old life. I love him, but I don’t know if I can stay. What should I do?'

Lala Says,

When you first meet someone and your worlds seem to align and your chemistry is off the charts and you experience that whirlwind rush of lust, limerence and what feels like love, it can seem completely natural to rush in. It feels like nothing could ever burst the bubble of happiness you’ve created together and that nothing could possibly go wrong. But the reason it’s not good to commit to anything long term too quickly is because you don’t give yourselves much time to fully know each other. Whilst you can feel deeply connected to the surface level you’ve got to know, rushing in means that you don’t get to experience them in their full form before deciding whether to settle down with them.

You miss out on seeing how they handle life, their attitude to stress, money, family, tension, friendship, and cultural or lifestyle differences. And whilst that doesn’t always mean that moving quickly to marriage is going to be a mistake, it does mean that you have less solid ground to work from. You’re now realising that his impulsivity triggers anxiety for you, and that you feel relief when you’re away. That is something to pay attention to, it’s your nervous system signalling something deeper. A marriage should feel like a healthy partnership, feeling relief when your husband is away is a bad sign. You should miss him, not dread his return.

Meeting someone else often acts like a mirror, reflecting back parts of yourself and your desires that you may have pushed aside. It’s rarely about the new person themselves, but about what they awaken in you, he made you feel something. It is worth exploring what that was. If you felt a spark of excitement, curiosity, or you were receiving attention you don’t normally get, it may have made you more aware of how absent those feelings are in your day-to-day life with your husband. It can also connect you to a version of your old self that you miss, reminding you of independence. If you were deeply fulfilled, meeting someone else wouldn’t have unsettled you in this way. The fact that it did suggests it tapped into doubts or dissatisfaction that were already there, validating that something about this relationship may not be aligned with the life you truly want.

Have you communicated your feelings to him? If not, how do you think he would respond? Communicating how you feel is an important part of this, that doesn’t mean telling your partner about the person you met, or announcing any intentions at this point. But it is important to share your concerns honestly, especially about the financial/decision-making stress. His reaction will tell you a lot. Would he be open to couple’s therapy? This will offer you both a space to unpack how you feel and to see if there are ways of creating change that might make you feel happier with the life you live. You don’t need to rush into making any decisions straight away.

Letztendlich reicht Liebe nicht immer aus. Du kannst ihn lieben, aber nicht das Leben lieben, das mit ihm zu führen ist. Du kannst ihn verehren, aber dennoch nicht zufrieden mit der Ehe sein. Jemanden zu lieben reicht nicht aus, um eine gesunde Partnerschaft aufrechtzuerhalten. In diesem Stadium ist es am wichtigsten, sich Raum zu geben, um zu reflektieren und ehrlich zu sein, zuerst mit sich selbst und dann mit ihm. Setze dich nicht unter Druck, jetzt sofort eine endgültige Entscheidung zu treffen. Beachte stattdessen, wie du dich in dieser Beziehung fühlst. Fühlst du dich sicher, ruhig und unterstützt oder angespannt, ängstlich und erleichtert, wenn ihr getrennt seid? Wenn möglich, eröffne einen Dialog mit ihm über die Muster, die dich beunruhigen, und sieh, ob er bereit ist, sich zu verlangsamen, zuzuhören und gemeinsam daran zu arbeiten, Therapie kann definitiv helfen. Aber wenn du feststellst, dass dein Frieden nur in seiner Abwesenheit kommt, wenn du weg bist, könnte dies ein Zeichen sein, dass diese Beziehung nicht die richtige für dein langfristiges Glück ist. Wie auch immer, du schuldest es dir selbst, das Leben zu wählen, das sich richtig anfühlt. Wir haben nur ein kurzes Leben, keine zusätzlichen Versuche. Wir müssen die Entscheidungen treffen, die für uns am besten funktionieren.