The Connection between Limerence and ADHD: How Hyperfixation Manifests in Intense Crushes

The phenomenon of love striking individuals with ADHD appears to be particularly intense and long-lasting. Numerous ADDitude readers have experienced such overwhelming emotions and immersive experiences when in love, often driven by the dopamine rush associated with new attractions or passionate love. One reader describes this sensation as addictive and notes that it can fuel hyperfocus and heightened emotions, especially in the case of unreturned affection.

In certain situations, this intense longing for affection and attention can transition into an obsessive and disruptive state known as limerence. This term was first introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., in her 1979 book titled, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Tennov explains limerence as a state of mind characterized by interpretation of events rather than the events themselves. This state is enhanced by the hope and doubt of the other person's feelings, sustaining individuals in limerence for years. "Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs," she writes.

The amalgamation of passionate longing, emotional dysregulation, hyperfocus, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), and a brain deprived of dopamine can lead to various experiences of romantic love among individuals with ADHD. Various readers shared their personal experiences to this effect.

One reader based in the UK notes the overwhelming and long-lasting nature of falling in love for individuals with ADHD, explaining that she ceased dating ten years ago due to her inability to navigate the cycles of obsession and intense disappointment. Similarly, a reader from West Virginia shared his experiences of limerence and identified therapy as a vital resource for managing these feelings. A Texas-based reader further recognized the heightened emotions and tendencies associated with ADHD, comparing the experience to a roller coaster ride.

Readers from California and the UK further echoed these sentiments, sharing their personal experiences and struggles with infatuations and relationships. Musing on her experiences, a North Caroline-based reader revealed the overwhelming nature of romantic interests for her, often leading to obsession when her affections are unreciprocated. A reader from Canada further shared his experiences, remarking on his tendency to quickly fall in love, envision a perfect relationship, and ultimately scare potential partners off due to his intense emotions.

An anonymous reader further shared a painful experience of harbouring intense feelings for someone in a committed relationship, noting that despite being happily married for years, this period remains a vivid memory of emotional agony.

“I used to fall all in. It actually felt like that: Falling. I had no control over it, couldn’t hold myself back, and had no limits. There was no stopping it. I hated it, because I was aware of what was happening, but I still couldn’t get out of the hyperfixation that often resulted in unhealthy and limitless behavior.” — An ADDitude Reader

“After years of searching, I finally found a healthcare provider and psychological therapist, both of whom I love because they genuinely care about me on my path to restored physical and mental health. What’s not to love? They affirm and validate me, none of which I get from my spouse. My healthcare provider is married with kids. I fantasize about becoming involved in his personal life, getting to know his wife and kids, babysitting if he and the wife want to take a weekend away, house-sitting if they take family vacations, all that. My therapist is a few years older than me. He’s not married. I fantasize about my husband dying before me, and me falling in love and marrying my therapist. Both of these fantastic scenarios bring me albeit false happiness and peace! Crazy? But that’s where I am. I cling (from afar) to those who care about me.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I become all immersed in romance and find it very hard to focus on any other areas of my life. I get addicted to the feeling of being in love. When I see signs that the other person is losing interest, I double down on my efforts to please them. All the while, I’m very aware that my behavior is not doing me any favors.” — Marta, United Kingdom

“Pre-medication, crushes would take over my life, and so would break-ups, even though I was always the one initiating the breakup. I have to have a lot of help from talk therapy to work on how to be in a romantic partnership long-term.” — Brianna, Washington

“If a woman is nice to me, I immediately start sounding out how my last name would sound as her new last name. I fall head over heels in love. It is awful. I have asked out so many women at work that I am afraid of being fired for it.” — Eric, Texas

“I’ve been happily married for many years now, but, when I was single, I would completely focus and fixate on someone, even when I knew they weren’t right for me. When it didn’t work out, I was devastated, but I somehow convinced myself — perhaps because of RSD — that we were meant to be, and they just couldn’t see it. It took me many years after my diagnosis at 38 to connect that behavior to ADHD.” — Robyn, Canada

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