Mother-in-law Shares Photos of My Daughter Online Without My Permission - OK! Magazine

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...

Dear Lala,

My partner and I have a 2 year old daughter. I specialise in child safeguarding and since having a child I’ve been hyper aware of what I share of her on social media because I have an intense knowledge of the risks. I keep things as private as I can, but do share some things. Sometimes just on stories because they don’t last long and aren’t seen by everyone. I’ve also been through my followers and got rid of anyone I don’t know personally.

Recently, my mother in law has shared a picture of our daughter on her Facebook which she does occasionally and most of the time I don’t have major issues with this. But this time, she shared a solo picture of my daughter to her public cover photo. Not only that, it’s a photo I only shared to my stories which she took a screenshot of and it has identifying information on it. Not only is this a safety concern but I was also upset that a lovely photo of my daughter was just put out there for all to see.

This is also the second time she’s done something like this. The first time was that she posted a picture of her and tagged some man we didn’t know just because they’d bumped into each other in the street when she was looking after her. So completely unnecessary. She took it badly that time when my partner asked her to take it down and didn’t speak to us for a month. My partner has spoken to her about the recent one, has tried to tell her that we aren’t angry (I am…) and that we understand that she doesn’t know all the risks like I do, but she needs to take it down. Instead of taking it down, she just changed her cover photo which meant it was still there. She had to be asked a further two times to remove the photo before she actually did.

My question is, how do I get through to someone who just doesn’t get it like I do because of my job? How can we manage this and still support her having a relationship with our daughter even though I now question whether she prioritises her safety over her pride and ability to share pictures of her online? My partner has dealt with it but I feel like I should have spoken to her because I feel like he’s too concerned about her feelings to get it across directly. But I also don’t want to damage the relationship between them.

Lala says,

This is such a tricky situation that requires tact. But it doesn’t require you to change your boundaries to keep the peace. Your mother in law will never understand or grasp it in the way that you do because she doesn’t work in the field you work in. You are acutely aware of the risks whilst she will likely only be vaguely aware because of what you have told her. Have you ever given her any concrete examples? Perhaps showing her this news article about a depraved man who used innocent pictures of children and turned them into horrific images of child abuse might help her to comprehend why you are so concerned. (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cq6l241z5mjo).

I think it would be useful to try to understand her position. She sounds like a loving grandmother who would not want to put your daughter at risk, she is bursting with pride in her role as Nan and wants to show her off. There don’t seem to be any indicators that would suggest that she wouldn’t want to protect your daughter, but as you’ve identified, her ego is causing her to be defiant and reluctant to stick to your rules, which is leading her to do something that could cause a risk to your daughter. She likely sees social media as a way of celebrating her granddaughter, showing pride, and sharing joy. She doesn’t grasp the risks, so to her it feels like you’re being restrictive or accusing her of carelessness. Conversely, your safeguarding background makes you acutely aware of risks that aren’t obvious to most people. To you, this isn’t about sharing a nice photo, it's about exposure, identifiers, and potential threats.

It might help for you and your husband to convey this to her as a family rule, rather than saying “We don’t want you to share pictures” relay the rule by saying “We have a family rule and we’ve decided that any photos online have to be posted by us, not by anyone else. That’s what feels safe to us as her parents.” That depersonalises it and makes it a clear non-negotiable boundary for your family. If she argues or disagrees, she is disagreeing with the family rule rather than with you personally. It’s good your partner has already been the one to speak up, because it prevents the situation being framed as you vs her. But if you feel your perspective wasn’t heard, it may help to have a gentle, calm follow-up conversation yourself not in the heat of the moment, but at a neutral time. You could say something like: “I know it can feel like I’m overreacting. But because of my work, I’ve seen the risks first hand and I can’t ignore them. It isn’t about policing you. You’re a wonderful grandma.”

Ultimately, you can’t force her to get it, but you can consistently enforce this boundary tactfully. Maybe you could offer to send her prints or make a photo book so she can show off her granddaughter proudly without needing to post on Facebook. If it happens again, calmly remind her of the boundary and follow through with a clear consequence, like no longer sharing photos of your daughter with her, so she understands this is about safety, not punishment, and that respecting your rules is part of her relationship with your daughter.