Mein Verlobter toxischer Ex-Freund lässt uns keine Verbindung zu seiner Tochter aufbauen und drängt sie dazu, ihn zu hassen - wir fühlen uns verloren - Lalala Letmeexplain - OK! Magazin

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.

With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.

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Dear Lala,

I am in a wonderful relationship with my fiance and we adore each other. He has a 7 year old daughter who I met for the first time last year. We got on really well and bonded. I enjoyed being in her presence, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I enjoyed cooking her meals and surprising her with birthday and Xmas gifts.

Her mum on the other hand did not like this. She didn’t like the fact that she liked me. Long story short, she has brainwashed the little girl and mentally abused her so much that she now doesn’t want to see her own father and I. The mother thinks I am trying to play mum and is angry and upset that her daughter comes home so happy from being with her father and I. She is very toxic, sarcastic, narcissistic and manipulative to my fiance to the point that he doesn’t like messaging her asking how his daughter is. He doesn’t want to fight to see her either because of the damage she has caused pushing their daughter into hating him.

He continues to pay for the child without fail. We want to see her and have a relationship with her without having contact with the baby mum. Without fail, my fiance used to get a negative/abusive/toxic text of some sort after contact every time. His daughter would say she wished he was a better dad and she loved her mum more. The mother also told the child that she is to not have contact if we were ever going to have a baby. Since the no contact it has been nice and peaceful not hearing from the baby mum but we miss her. What do we do?

Lala says,

This is a very complex and sensitive situation and it is a shame for everyone involved that things are so acrimonious. This is the worst way to do co-parenting and the person who will be most negatively affected will be the little girl. From the way that you have described it, the mother sounds as though she may be jealous and hurt about her ex moving on and she is acting out in the worst ways, thinking entirely about her own needs and not her daughter’s. But what I would say is that I would be curious to hear her side too, because I’d imagine that the truth lies somewhere in the middle of the two perspectives.

Your partner not wanting to fight to see his daughter concerns me, I understand that he might feel that the toxic nature of his relationship with her mum makes it not worth his while, but in my opinion, you should be motivated to walk over hot coals for your own child and if you’re not, you’re not meeting your most basic obligations as a parent. There is literally nothing that could make me give up on my son . If he really wants to see his daughter he should be doing everything he can, not simply giving up the fight and enjoying the peaceful life with his new partner.

He should seek legal advice, he can approach a family law solicitor in his local area, most offer a free initial consultation. He can apply for a court order for contact with his child. Ideally he and his ex would have mediation first and they may qualify for help with costs if they are on a low income. There are also co-parenting apps that they could use to communicate without having to have direct contact with each other to manage schedules and contact.

In terms of your position here, in your longer letter you told me that you’d been together for 9 months before meeting his daughter, and that he consulted with his ex before introducing you to her, that they had been on and off for 7 years since having a child; and that she had anticipated them getting back together before he met you. It sounds like he managed the introduction to you correctly, but I can also see why it must have hurt his ex. You’ve been a supportive partner to him and it is lovely that you wanted to embrace being a bonus mother to his child, but I think the best thing you could do now would be to step back and encourage him to have a relationship with her without you being present. You don’t need to be there when he sees his daughter.

If that’s what it takes to quell the conflict for now, then that is a reasonable step. That doesn’t mean never having a relationship with her, it’s important for you to develop that over time, but whilst things are so fraught, the priority should be the daughter having a chance to bond with her dad. If the absence of your presence during their contact can heal things for a bit then it’s worth it for the long term goals.

Look after yourself within this, it’s a difficult thing to be subjected to when all you’re trying to do is love and be loved. Continue to support him through this difficult process and be there for him as much as you can, but also encourage him to do the right thing and not give up on his baby, he has to put her before you, always. And, I would strongly advise you to think long and hard before ever having a baby with someone who could give up on an existing one without a proper attempt at resolving things through legal channels by whatever means necessary first. Maybe nothing will change, but at least he, and eventually his daughter, will always know that he tried his very best. Mediation and legal action is definitely the way forward and he should seek advice as soon as possible. I wish you all the best of luck with this.