"My Boyfriend's Deception: Struggling with Betrayal and Broken Trust"
In Lalalaletmeexplain 's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we’ve been really aligned about the future marriage, family, stability. Early on I was clear that smoking, vaping, and drugs were absolute deal-breakers. He said he was quitting vaping and I believed him. We’ve become close (I stay at his house 3–4 nights a week), and he’s been talking about moving in together and marriage within a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health and what I believe to be undiagnosed ADHD, but he’s been great at supporting me emotionally and practically, and I genuinely thought I’d finally met the right person. My mum went through early menopause and I am conscious that I may be time limited to have children.
Recently, I found a bag of weed and a bong hidden in his spare room. He admitted he’s been smoking daily (even before work) to manage anxiety, and only hid it because he knew I wouldn’t have dated him otherwise. I feel betrayed, like I don’t fully know who I’m with. He’s since apologised, seen a GP/mental health nurse, and promised to stop within 6 months. I can empathise with using unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I’m struggling with the dishonesty and worry about becoming “free therapy” for him. Can trust be rebuilt after this? And is it realistic to expect him to change long-term?
Lala Says,
It sounds like your boyfriend has been self-medicating with cannabis to manage his mental health and ADHD. If he is smoking daily before work it is likely to be an addiction. One of the major things that addicts have in common is lying. Addicts often lie to cover up, enable or excuse their using. Starting out this relationship with a lie was probably done with good intent. In his mind he probably told himself that he was going to quit anyway and that you didn’t need to know. However, given that it was a clear deal breaker for you, whether the intent was ill or not, it was unfair of him to put you in a position that you were very clear you didn’t want to be in. He betrayed your trust by lying then, and he made it worse by continuing to lie and sneak around for 8 months.
You describe him as a good partner and you feel supported by him, he sounds like a kind man. But people with ADHD, addiction and mental health struggles often do find parenting very hard. Whilst they can do their best to be wonderful parents, if their mental health is unstable, ADHD is unmanaged, and addiction is active, then those things will very likely impact on their parenting in a negative way. To even begin to consider bringing a child into a home where one parent has such clear instability you would need to know that the person has been working on their vulnerabilities for a while. It’s not enough to say ‘He hasn’t used in 6 months, let’s try to conceive', you would need to see real evidence that he has learnt to manage his anxiety and ADHD in other ways for a sustained period of time. If he’s so riddled with anxiety now that he has to smoke before work, how would he manage the very real daily anxieties that come with having children? Would you be left raising a baby whilst trying to deal with a boyfriend who is struggling with life?
To be very clear, I am not saying that all people with histories of ADHD, mental health and addiction are incapable of being good parents. But clearly those factors can have a negative impact and it can be incredibly hard to co-parent with them, so it is important for you to acknowledge what a future might look like if he doesn’t address his issues. It is very positive that he expresses commitment to engaging with professionals and that he has set a target for quitting. Cannabis is prescribed in the UK for people with ADHD and other conditions so his self-medication isn’t necessarily entirely problematic, but he needs to consult doctors to ensure that he isn’t doing more harm than good and so that he isn’t breaking the law.
Ultimately, this is less about cannabis itself and more about trust, alignment, and your deal breakers. He broke a boundary you were clear about, and even if he now shows willingness to change, the damage to your sense of security is real. You deserve a partner whose words and actions consistently match, especially if you are considering marriage and children within a limited timeframe. His decision to seek professional help is a good step, but what matters is not promises and words, it’s sustained change over time. If he never stopped smoking or it took longer than six months, would you stay? If the answer is no, then waiting six months only prolongs an outcome you already know. If the answer is yes, then you’ll need to accept the risk of relapse and learn to live with some uncertainty. Relationships require compromise, but not at the cost of your values or your peace. Trust can be rebuilt, but only when both people are honest and consistent. Watch what he does, not what he says. In the meantime, keep hold of your own boundaries and remember that it’s better to face heartbreak now than to raise a child in a home that isn’t stable. Dating addicts is hard, with self-motivation, love and support he can make huge changes, only you will know whether it’s worth sticking around to see if those changes happen.
