"En kille tog tag i min mage och gjorde gris-ljud efter att jag hade haft sex med honom - nu vill han ha en relation" - Lalala Letmeexplain - OK! Magazine
I Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I recently reconnected with a friend who lives in another country. I met him last year in a holiday resort and we reconnected when I visited again this year. This time around things turned romantic and he very quickly made it clear that he wanted things to progress. I was with a group of friends and they were all commenting about how smitten he seemed. He took me on some fancy dates and on our last date, we slept together. It was a bit weird from the outset, he struggled to perform and I sensed he was nervous so I just suggested he relax. As we were cuddling he grabbed my stomach and said ‘I like less of this’ - referring to one of my stomach rolls (I had my leg wrapped around him at this point so I was in an awkward position) whilst making pig noises. I’m 5’5’’ and a size 10, I’m not fat. I was so shocked I suggested we just sleep. He’s now trying to turn this into a relationship and I don’t know whether to give him the benefit of the doubt or forget him.
Lala says…
As far as I’m concerned his comments were unacceptable and intolerable. When he was struggling to perform, if you’d pointed at his genitals and said “I prefer more of this, longer and harder is better” and then made mouse noises to convey that you meant that his genitals reminded you of a little mouse, do you feel like that would be normal behaviour? Or are you aware that it would be cruel to comment on his body in that way because it would serve no purpose other than to make him insecure?
Whether you’re actually fat or not makes no difference, if you were fat he still wouldn’t have the right to point out that he dislikes that fat. How dare he! Especially when you’re naked and in a vulnerable position at a time when an intimate partner is supposed to be making you feel your sexiest. Making pig noises at you is disgusting, truly. Though, I’d guess that this all stems from the fact that he felt extremely insecure about losing his erection. He struggled to perform, he felt embarrassed, and instead of communicating that, he wanted to embarrass you too. He wanted to bring you down a peg or two so that he didn’t feel humiliated about not being hard, he wanted to transfer his humiliation to you.
It’s a pretty bad sign that during the first time you slept together he negged you and made nasty comments about your body. What are you supposed to do with the information that he likes less belly? Starve yourself, develop eating or exercising disorders, restrict your calories, run for hours at night? What are you supposed to do about it? And this is what worries me. If he’s comfortable enough to say this on your first night, what will he be saying and doing six months down the line? How will he be trying to control you?
This is a red flag for emotional abuse and control. I’m not saying that this incident alone is either of those things, but it is a big indicator of what might be to come. I think the fact that you don’t even live in the same country makes this easier. Long distance relationships are hard work to maintain, you both have to be committed to putting in effort in different ways to a normal relationship. What would be the point in struggling to make something work with someone who’s waved such a big red flag so early on? I’m sure there are better options close to where you live who would love your belly and all of you wholeheartedly without trying to make you feel ugly.
And that’s what worries me, he intentionally tried to make you feel ugly. Will he point out your belly every time you have sex? Will you now feel that you can’t relax in bed because you’ll be conscious of your very normal rolls? Will you be striving to have a flatter stomach for him? And if you do, then what? Once your belly is flat that won’t be the end. Something else will come up for him to bring you down with.
Du skulle kunna ge honom förmånen av tvivel och vänta och se om han får dig att känna dig vacker nästa gång ni har sex, du skulle kunna vänta och se om denna varningsflagga verkligen är ett tecken på att han kommer att fortsätta att slipa ner ditt självförtroende så illa att du aldrig kommer att lämna eftersom du kommer att vara säker på att ingen annan kommer att vilja ha dig, men är det värt den risken? Jag undrar om du har kunnat kommunicera med honom om hur detta fick dig att känna dig? Det enda sättet jag kan se för att gå vidare är om han verkligen ångrar kommentaren och erkänner att det hade att göra med hans slaka penis. Om du och han inte ens har den grundläggande goda kommunikationen så är det kört ändå. Jag tycker att du kan göra bättre än en man som bor i ett helt annat land och säger att han inte gillar din mage samtidigt som han gör grisnöl. Det kan vi alla. Ribban bör inte vara så låg att vi överväger romantiska relationer med människor 1000 miles bort som gör elaka kommentarer till oss bara för att de har varit trevliga mot oss i några dagar. Din mage är perfekt, var med någon som tycker detsamma.
